


The Cool and Complete Epic of Bandit the Protagonist

by AceNoir



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22942438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceNoir/pseuds/AceNoir
Summary: A decently well-written crackfic that I accidentally wrote 3,000 words of, complete with bad inside jokes and many Yugioh references. My magnum opus, yet only like 7 people will ever understand it. idk why I'm posting it, probably because I found the Ao3 accounts of some friends so now I feel like I gotta expose myself i guess. and yes, both the protagonist/bandit and the antagonist/DM are named Chris anyways please dont read this





	The Cool and Complete Epic of Bandit the Protagonist

Chris pulled out a Yugioh card from his pocket, holding it between himself and The Destroyer of Worlds. In a single well-practiced movement, he flipped the card around to reveal its contents, and ultimately, the fate of Thanos. Thanos had no time to examine the fine print on the top of the card before he was transported to the shadow realm for the rest of his miserable eternity: Blue-Eyes White Dragon.

"see ya later, dork face," he smirked into the back of Thanos' last sight. In one swift motion, he stuck the card back into his pocket, patting it to feel the other unfortunate victims within.

"That's what happens when you mess with The Bandit!"

"Not so fast, Bandit Chris L!" Chris turns to find the source of the voice, yet there is no one there. "B-but no one calls me Chris L except for-" Chris is cut off as a thunderous boom erupts from the sky, and The DM descends from the clouds. "It can't be... IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" a mighty chuckle escapes from The DM's lips.

"It appears that your power has greatened," The DM memed mockingly. "But I still only have to use 1% of my power to send you to The Mirror Dimension!"

Chris assumed his Yugioh stance and places an open palm on the Duel Disk he'd been wearing since birth. "You'll never best me, Chris H!" He shouted towards the sky. The DM's transition lenses transitioned from glasses to sunglasses. "THAT'S CHRIS TO YOU!" He roared as a beam of blinding light enveloped The Protagonist, leaving nothing in its path. The DM heaved a mighty heave.

"See you... on the Flip Side."

The blinding light quickly changed to pitch black as The Bandit felt his body detach from The Mortal Realm. Attempting to fight the invisible force dragging him further into his doom, his attempts were lost to the Hellish, empty expanse of The Mirror Dimension. Before his eyes could adjust, The Bandit was thrown onto the ground. He laid there, dazed, for what seemed like hours, until a soft light gleamed at him from a distance. The Bandit attempted to stand up, but to no avail: The DM had drained his energy, rendering him unable to do even his signature Yugioh Card Wrist Flick. He considered calling out to the disembodied light, but for what? Was the light a friend or foe? This was The Mirror Dimension, after all. Or was it? The Protagonist was too busy having an Existential Inner Monologue to notice the light steadily nearing his position.

The Bandit's Inner Monologue was interrupted by a harsh, yet apathetic grunt. His mind snapped back into reality to see an oddly familiar figure with a lantern standing over him. The figure moved the lantern closer to The Protagonist's face, temporarily blinding him.

"Oh," the lethargic voice said. "It's you".

The lantern moved up to the figure's face, revealing the identity of the voice. "S-Slyfur?" Chris finally managed to sputter. "What? No! I'm nothing like that 2-bit Non-Player Character! Why do people always confuse us? I'm Rufyls, you dweeb". Rufyls edged closer edgily, his cool, elongated chin jabbing The Bandit in the chest. 

"How'd you get here, anyway, fishstick? I thought you'd forgotten about us, everyone else seems to have". Rufyls said, attempting to sound tsundere and cool, but even The Bandit could tell his feelings were hurt.

"Whatever," Rufyls said, coolly wiping away a single tear in a manner that was very dramatic and cool. "C'mon. I take it The DM had his way with you? Figures, you pathetic dweeb." In a single card flick-of-the-wrist, Rufyls had The Bandit on his feet. Before he could even orient himself, Rufyls coolly began walking away from Chris. Assessing his options in a less-existential manner, The Bandit quickly began to follow after his cool, brave rescuer.

After walking 10 feet behind Rufyls in silence for what seemed like hours, The Bandit finally spoke up. "So, um, how you doin'?" "How do you think I'm doing, cheese dog?" Rufyls snapped back, thoughtfully putting a hand on his cool soul patch.

"Well, I mean, like, what have you been doing? How did you even get here?" The Protagonist asked. Rufyls' expression darkened. "I've been here my whole life, kid. You think it’s easy, dimension-hopping? Although it is a lucrative business, and no, I won't tell you my secret technique". The Bandit's attempt to pretend to listen to Rufyls was interrupted by a strange barred cube in the distance, with a figure inside.

"Hey, Slyf-Rufyls, what's that thing over there?" Rufyls turned to The Bandit condescendingly. "Oh, just a little... pet project of mine". He laughed mischievously, but it was still like really cool. "Oh, okay. I'm going to choose to ignore this side quest." Chris replied. "HEY!" Rufyls barked. "Be careful with the fourth wall, I just repaired it!"

Suddenly, Rufyls stopped in front of a round hut that The Protagonist failed to notice somehow. Rufyls turned to The Bandit. "We're here". 

"What... is this place?" The Bandit asked rhetorically but not really. "This is my 2-way ticket out of this dump, baby!" Rufyls said proudly. "You see, I tricked this old hag into letting her work for me-you know, the dirty work-and in exchange, I would give her access to the mirror dimension. Boy, did she get the short end of the stick!" Rufyls laughed haughtily. "Anyways, I call it the TARDIM, stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Mirror. It's catchy, isn't it? I came up with it myself!" The Bandit blankly nodded along to Rufyls' shameless display of hubris. "Anyways, let's go inside, and I can get you out of this dump, and you can stick it to that DM guy!" The DM. In The Bandit's epic tale, he'd completely forgotten about the task at hand.

"Hold on," The Protagonist said as they stepped inside the TARDIM. "I still don't know how to defeat The DM!" Rufyls laughed condescendingly. "And you admit to that?" He asked. "Tsk, tsk, cheese ball, you still have much to learn. Now, let's get out of here." Finally having the chance to assess his surroundings, The Bandit glanced around the hut. Aside from sparse furniture, there were at least 8 mirrors on the curved walls. Approaching a mirror, Rufyls hesitated, then turned around to The Bandit.

"So, um, I've never really had someone watch me do this before, so could you, like, turn around maybe?" Rufyls said sheepishly "Just so, like, you don't steal my technique, you know? Oh, wait! One more thing!" From seemingly out of nowhere, Rufyls pulled out a Yugioh card backward inside a card sleeve, dropping it into The Bandit's hand. "Use this to help you defeat The One They Call The DM, but don't look at it until you need it." "Yeah, but why can't I look at is now? Why does it have to be backward? What if I want to plan my attack?"

"Okay, slow down. First of all, you're not going to plan anything even if you see the card, and second of all, it creates a sense of anticipation for the audience". "I thought you said I couldn't break the fourth wall!" The Protagonist said petulantly. Rufyls looked down upon Chris, despite being shorter than him. "Only I get to break the fourth wall, pal. That's beside the point, anyway-let's get out of here!"

"Alright," The Bandit said, waiting for Rufyls to make a move. Rufyls stared back at The Protagonist, then made a cool spinning motion with his hand. "Oh, Right. Sorry". The Bandit said, turning around as Rufyls scoffed coolly. It wasn't long before The Bandit began to hear indistinct muttering from Rufyls. Feeling uncomfortable as he was, Chris turned a bit to listen to the conversation.

"C'mon, Rufyls, you can do this, just like you've done it before, right? Can't look like some dork in front of this loser, can you? You got this, you're Rufyls, you're cool!" 

Suddenly, The Bandit caught Rufyls' eye, and he quickly turned back around.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing!? I told you to Turn. Around." Rufyls demanded, his face red with embarrassment. "Sorry," The Protagonist muttered, but continued to watch Rufyls through a mirror on the opposite wall anyway. Under his breath, Rufyls began singing a song that The Bandit recognized as Europe's The Final Countdown while violently flailing his appendages around as some form of dance. Suddenly, Rufyls hit a dab, sending the both of them flying through the mirror, into the dark unknown once more.

'This trip is a lot less painful than the first one', The Bandit thought as he careened through all of space and time. 'Oh, what's that bright light up there?' Chris was suddenly blinded as he quickly approached the light. Shooting out of a mirror, Chris and Rufyls were thrown to the ground, one atop the other. Feeling the angry rogue squirming beneath him, Chris rolled off of Rufyls and looked up to see himself in a hut identical to the TARDIM, except this time, they weren't alone.  
Luckily, The Protagonist's screams were lost to the general chaos that was ensuing in the hut. Beside him, a small goblin was curled in a fetal position, whimpering, as a freakishly tall elf and a giant mass of armor slashed at a bone-chilling amalgamation of every child's greatest fears, while a giant bird lay collapsed on the floor between them. A hag screeched at the swordsmen, then began to enclose half of the hut in thick vines. Rufyls bolted upright, grabbed The Bandit's arm and began sprinting towards a mirror on the rapidly-disappearing opposite side of the hut. Ducking behind the swordsmen unnoticed, they sprinted towards the mirror, plunging themselves into it, narrowly avoiding the wall of vines.  
'This trip is equally as painful than the second one', The Bandit thought as he careened through all of space and time once more. Failing to notice the rapidly-approaching bright light due to thinking too heavily about deja-vu, he was subsequently blinded once again as he was thrown out of the mirror, this time Rufyls landing on top of him.  
"Yup. I did that". Rufyls said, his pain showing in his voice. "Hard... Hard to believe I've never teleported an extra person before". He continued, trying to sound cool, while still laying atop The Bandit. Pushing him off, Chris stood up to look around, but everything around him was pitch black.  
"I'M BLIND!" The Protagonist shouted as he began to flail about. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY YUGIOH NOW!?"  
"Calm down, stir-fry," Rufyls gasped out. "Don't get your garlic twists in a twist," The bandit heard Ruflys stand up, then a dim light suddenly filled the small, dismal room. Looking around, The Bandit noticed rows of half-ply toilet paper atop shelves bordered with a mop in a bucket, along with a panoply of other maintenance paraphernalia.  
"This... is the domain of The Panther King," Rufyls gasped out, still exhausted from his journey. "Wait, so he's like, a king, but he lives in a broom closet? Does he know what taxes are, or is he like, insane," Chris asked.  
"Tsk, tsk, Bandit, you still have much to learn," Rufyls said. "Yeah, you keep saying that, but you really haven't taught me anything," The Protagonist pointed out. "That's not important," Rufyls snapped coolly. "What's important is that we find Big Mike and you defeat The DM once and for all," Ruflys opened the door leading outside, and The Bandit stepped out.  
"Ha, you're coming out of the closet, you gotta say it," Rufyls sneered. "O shoot, no homo lol," The Protagonist said. "Ahahahaha," said Rufyls. He was laughing. After stepping out himself and uttering The Phrase, Rufyls began walking through the dismal, cement halls of the prison they were in. "So, which cell is The Panther King's?" Chris asked. "Cell!? Nah, we're going to his office. This building was designed by sadists, which is why it may give the impression of being a prison, when in fact, this is a school!" Rufyls said as he turned to face the imaginary mockumentary camera. Chris turned to where Rufyls was facing. "What are you looking at?" He asked. "The fourth wall," Rufyls said in a flat yet cool manner.  
Suddenly, Rufyls stopped in front of a door that The Protagonist failed to notice somehow. Rufyls turned to The Bandit. "We're here".  
"What... is this place?" The Bandit asked rhetorically once again but not really. Rufyls did the Edgeworth/von Karma laugh-shrug. "Gee," Rufyls scoffed. "You sure are dumber than you look. This is the principal's office, corncob, where the bad noodles go to perish and where you're going to get help,"  
Rufyls dropped his arms to his sides and timidly shuffled his feet. "So, this is the end of the road for us, then, I guess," "Um, yeah. I guess it is, my dude". The Protagonist said. "Just so you know," Rufyls said defensively for no apparent reason, "I am not going to miss you, you big, dumb, idiot". Chris gave Rufyls a strange look. "Yeah, okay, me neither, cuz you were kinda awful and-" "JUST CALL SOMETIMES, PLEASE?" Rufyls shouted as he ran out of the front office with tears in his eyes. Too busy being absolutely bewildered, The Bandit didn't notice the office door behind him slowly open.  
"What do you need, son?" A deep voice bellowed. Chris froze, then slowly turned around to face the absolute unit that was standing between him and the office door. Unable to find words, The Bandit just stood silently, waiting for the frightening man's next move. The man continued to stare back at The Protagonist, until Chris finally managed to speak. "I... am looking for, uh, Big Mike?" The man's face darkened as he pushed The Bandit inside of the office. "Big Mike..." the man said. "That's a name I haven't heard in years. Step inside my office, kid," Chris looked at Big Mike blankly. "But... we're already in your office, sir". Big Mike smiled. "That's what I want them to think," he said as he approached the bookshelf, pulling a book, How to Be a High School Principal For Dummies, out. Suddenly, The bookshelf slowly began to turn, revealing a hidden door.  
Sweet Yneos, I'm gonna die here. The Bandit thought to himself as he wordlessly stepped inside. His attention was immediately captured by a massive blue panther, asleep on the desk chair. The Bandit froze in his place. The giant cat opened one eye upon the arrival of Michael, and jumped out of the chair, curling up on the floor without breaking its gaze on Chris. Big Mike sat down at the desk.  
"So, traveler, what brings you here?" Big Mike asked. The Protagonist shuffled his feet. "I, uh, need your help," Big Mike shook his head. "Well, so does everyone else at this school. I can't solve everyone's problems, which is why I choose to do nothing about anything, ever," "But," Chris protested, "I can't defeat The DM alone!" Big Mike's expression darkened. "The DM, you say? This changes things," Michael placed his hands on his desk, facing The Protagonist. "I cannot defeat The DM, kid. He's too powerful, even for me. You should quit while you're ahead, and alive," The Bandit shook his head. "No, I can't give up, I have to defeat him! He's terrorized us for long enough, it's about time we did something about it!"  
"Fine, kid, I'll lend you some help," Mike said, rubbing his temples. "Walts, to arms!" Suddenly, the panther got up from the floor, stretched, and sauntered over to The Protagonist. "Walts can aid you in your perilous battle, child." Chris stomped his foot. "I'm not a child!" he said petulantly. Big Mike chuckled. "Get out of my office, kid." "Fine, but only because I want to, and not because you told me to!" Chris said as he left the office. Suddenly, the ground began to shake, knocking Chris to the floor. Mr. Wright bolted out of the office.

"Go, kid! There's a ladder to the roof in the supply closet! Defeat The DM and bring honor to Potomac Senior High School!" "Uh, it's gonna take more than killing a god to bring honor to this school." The Bandit said, getting up from off the ground, but Big Mike had already vanished. "Okay, then, don't listen to me. Rude." Chris said as he took off for the supply closet, Walts following close behind. Noticing that he was being chased by a panther, The Bandit shrieked, then picked up his pace, until he remembered that Walts wasn't going to hurt him. He darted into the supply closet and climbed up the ladder, Walts somehow following him. He heard The DM's cackling before he reached the top.  
"Ah, Chris L! I knew you were coming, I just didn't expect you to come so soon!" The DM cackled, floating down to The Protagonist. "but you still can't defeat my Potomac Drones!" He continued to cackle as a portal opened behind him, releasing a menacing-looking drone, headed straight for The Protagonist. The Bandit braced himself, placing his hand on his Duel Disk. Suddenly, Walts jumped in the air, opened his mouth, and bit down on the drone with a satisfying crunch. dropping back to the ground. Drone still in his mouth, Walts stretched, then jumped back down the ladder.  
"NOO! How could you defeat my one drone!" The DM exclaimed. The Bandit readied his stance. "That's not the only thing I'll defeat today!" Chris darted to the edge of the building Kaiba-style, taking out Rufyls' mystery card. "See you... on the flip side." The Bandit mocked as he fell off the building, pulling the card out of its sleeve. The DM stared in confusion. "Heh, well, that's one way to win. I always like to win by default!" Suddenly, a thunderous roar rang out, and The Protagonist came back into view, riding atop a massive red dragon. "NOOO! Slifer The Sky Dragon!? How did you know my one weakness!?"  
The Bandit, now wearing sunglasses, grinned. "I didn't," he said as Slifer darted towards The DM and swallowed him whole. Slifer landed, and let The Protagonist climb off his back. Chris looked around. "Wow," he said, in true Chris fashion. "I can't believe that worked!"


End file.
